St.
Paul, MN—Arguing that tutors should return to the fundamentals taught in
the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills
they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Center for Academic
Excellence Writing Tutor Peter Gawtry continued to advance his pro-madness
agenda at the bi-yearly All-Center meeting Monday.
"Fools!" said Gawtry, his clenched fist striking the
table before him. "We must prepare ourselves for a world whose terrors are
etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other
gods—not fill our heads with such trivia as Math and Writing. Our tutees need
to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so
they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder
Things and the shoggoths!"
The controversial CAE tutor reportedly interrupted a heated
discussion about next semester’s schedule in order to bring his motion to the
table. With the aid of a flip chart, Gawtry laid out his six-point plan for
increased madness, which included field trips to the medieval metaphysics
department at the University of Minnesota, instruction in the incantations of
Yog-Sothoth, and a walkathon sponsored by local businesses to raise money for
the freshman theater program.
"Our center is an orderly, sanitary place where
tutors dwell in blissful ignorance of the chaos that awaits," Gawtry said.
"Should our facilities be repaired? No, they must be razed to the ground
and rebuilt in the image of the Cyclopean dwellings of the Elder Gods, the very geometry of which will
drive them to be possessed by visions of the realms beyond."
Gawtry has served as president of the unofficial Tutor Union since
2010, when he defeated 89-year-old incumbent Matty Spillum by promising to
enforce punctuality rules and refer repeat disciplinary cases to the
three-lobed burning eye. He has run unopposed ever since.
"Peter sure likes to bang on that madness drum," fellow
tutor Jamie McKelvey said. "I'm not totally sold on his plan to let
gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and
fear of our tutees. But he is always on time to help set up for our potlucks,
and his baked goods are among the most popular."
"I must admit, he's very convincing, and not a little bit
creepy" veteran tutor Elizabeth Todd added.
Gawtry's previous failed proposals include requiring the college
band to perform the tuneless flute songs of the blind idiot god Azathoth and
offering art student’s instruction in the carving of morbid and obscene
fetishes from otherworldly media.
Several administrators attending the meeting were not impressed by
Gawtry's outburst.
"Last month, he wanted us to change the center's motto from
'Fostering Young Writers' to 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl
fhtagn,'" Center Director Jenni Runte said. "I asked if it was Latin,
and he said that it was the eldritch tongue of Shub- Niggurath, the Black Goat
of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I don't know any eldritch tongues, but I'm
not sure that's such a good idea."
"We already changed the name of the center from “The Center
for Academic Excellence” to “The Nyarlathotep Tutoring and Worship Center”,"
Runte added, "What more does he want?"
Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated thirty
eight to one, Gawtry gave his final remarks, arguing that the tutors and tutees
are our future and that it's the director's obligation to make sure they are
fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.
All of Gawtry's remaining proposals were tabled so the
directors could debate repairing the hole in the tutoring-room wall, as five
tutors have disappeared into the adjacent skull-filled catacombs since the
opening was discovered last week.
